Tee Shirts Feb 4

Trout Republic by Kevin Kirkpatrick

Did you know the first promotional T-shirt printed was for The Wizard of Oz movie way back in 1939? If you happen to have that shirt hiding out in the attic, you might think about packaging it up and sending it to Ol' Dutch since he was a long time Kansas resident and can use the millions that shirt would be worth.

Now, I do recall the tie-dyed shirt craze back in the 60s and 70s. Drawing No. 1 in the Vietnam War draft made me of age to witness the last of the Hippy Movement with its anti-war themes, political statements, happy faces and other even more outlandish themes, bad language and rebellious words.

Message shirts served as an external tattoo for people who wanted to make a statement and as such, could be worn then discarded as their mood changed. This unlike a real tattoo that linked you to some woman named “Darla” or “Jenny” that you met on a wild weekend at some distant port of call and splashed in bold colors across your arm or chest for all eternity to see.

Back then, expressive t-shirts were the garments of the youth. Adults knew that someday those kids would grow out of it and become normal men and women wearing button down collars, dockers and loafers.

Boy, that conventional wisdom was wrong. Those young people grew up but they didn’t change a whole lot. The messages of yesteryear on a 75 year old body are a little shocking to say the least. Trixie and I travel full time and being in the RV parks around the country we are surrounded by people who have long retired and living the “good life.”

The other night at Bingo there was a constant parade of otherwise church going Bible thumping Baptists passing by our table on the way in dressed in an array of t-shirts. There was everything from soup to nuts printed on their shirts with the usual “South Padre Island” messages that they got for $3.99 on sale which I totally understand. We are frugal if nothing else when traveling and a deal is a deal, right?

But some deals are best left undone when you start seeing 75 year old great-grandmothers with a shirt that says “These Are Real” plastered across her chest. I could tell she wasn't referencing her teeth even though they were row perfect and any more thought on the subject by Ol' Dutch was quickly filed in the pile of forgetfulness.

Ol' Dutch ain't no prude but just maybe these folks need to put a little thought into buying “I Skinny Dipped in Texas,” “I Lobster Then I Flounder,” “Good Girls Do Bad Things” and the inevitable and overuse of the “F” word.

Why these people have a need for expressing things that most of us would rather not know or see on our elders is beyond me. At the local movie theater later in the week, my eyes were drawn to a gorgeous older lady with impeccable hair and makeup, perfect teeth, rebuilt body, and a diamond ring on every finger. Ol' Dutch was totally mesmerized by her beauty and demeanor until she turned and smiled at me. There for all the world to see on her shirt was a huge logo with the words “Black Widow” printed in neon green.

We all know that spider eats her mate after successful copulation and I could now see where all of her trinkets, add-ons and plastic came from: past mates. Run Dutch, run.

Thankfully Trixie was there to keep me safe as age cannot compete with youth and Trixie knows she has me like a rat in a trap. Plus Ol' Dutch is not one to add another diamond to that spiders hand anytime soon. 

He may be turned by a beautiful look but Ol' Dutch is tight as bark on a tree to which Trixie just added, “Amen.”

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is Kevin@TroutRepublic.com. And his blog is www.troutrepublic.com.

The sky is falling

Ol' Dutch has been around long enough to endure about 50 “End of The World” rumors that surface anytime there is a need to enslave more sheeple.

Wild-eyed preachers often have used this ploy to collect more money from gullible parishioners and it works every time with amazing results. Politicians also use this tactic to bleed more money from the peons who truthfully just wish there were no government.

Now Ol Dutch loves to hear what the end timers have to say and poor Trixie just rolls her eyes in disbelief that I would waste my time listening to them. But what does she know anyway? She is too young to remember Sputnik, hiding under our desks from Atom bombs and really has no idea about real fear.

One time I was going through some old books that my grandmother had in storage up in her attic. I found a classic book printed in 1899 with a picture of a Knights Templar-type character on the front. I decided that alone made it mystical and probably held some magical knowledge about the end times.

The author believed that the “End of The World” was just around the corner in 1900. He described how there were cannons of indescribable power and how if all the warships of the day were lined up end to end, they would reach from Nantucket to London. All of these proofs that the end was near because “it couldn't get any worse.”

Since I am somewhat of a connoisseur of end of time theories, I can tell you that some of these people say the dumbest things.

One fellow who sells survival food to all the church folks says in the end times you can trade it for gold, at which juncture he rolls his eyes and slobbers at the mouth.

I am not sure what you are gonna do with gold when there is no food like he predicts but it sells more tubs of dehydrated food to old ladies preparing to live in an apocalyptic world with masses of jewelry adorning sagging necks.

He has sold water filters, water bottles, food, generators, bibles, medical kits, colloidal silver, vitamins, survival homes, backpacks, shovels, rubber boots, enemas, greenhouses, seeds and fertilizer. Most of what he says is probably pretty good fertilizer in and of itself and the rubber boots might just come in handy to be around that preacher.

Another site I was reading about this coming soon event listed new Toyota Trucks for sale as a sponsor. Now I don't know about you but I don't think I will need a truck should the Russians drop the big one on my head.

When I was 5 years old some family friends moved to Phoenix as they were sure that “The Lord” was coming back there. They bought new campers, houses and cars for the occasion and sure they would never have to pay for them when Jesus returned.

So far as I know they all died in the wilderness awaiting His return plus had to pay for their booty as well. God sure messed up on that one I would say.

Speaking of dumb things Ol' Dutch (that sentence structure just didn't come out quite right) heard a guy on the talk radio say “Christians, above anyone else, have a right to enjoy the simple things in life.”

Now I am not sure why Buddhists and Hindis and even Atheists don't have the same rights so can only chalk it up to “dumb” once again.

In September, Ol' Dutch awaited the Blood Moon just “knowing” that it signaled the end of the world. After all, people had said that over and over so I sat anxiously anticipating the end.

I had decided to go out with a bang and on that particular evening, I climbed high up on a mountain to bow hunt so the moon would come up as I walked out. As the large saucer crept up in the sky, I began to think that maybe I had been left behind for the end-times tribulation and might be stuck in a world of blue haired old ladies stocked up with dried cabbage soup and enemas.

Ol' Dutch can almost guarantee if you eat the first you most certainly won’t need the latter. God save us from ourselves.

Being sick can make you sick

Unlike most people nowadays, I don’t watch much television as we don't have cable to peruse the standard 415 channels. Earlier in my life, I was one of the swells and I can still recall how my entire evening was taken up with changing channels to try and find something to watch – all to no avail.

At many of the places Trixie and I travel, though, a few channels come in over the antenna. She gets her football, awards show and American Idol type stuff and Ol’ Dutch gets an evening of Internet surfing. Since I can’t hear a thing off the TV, I am perfectly content looking for sausage stuffers, new boots, decoys and fishing boats on eBay while she hollywoods herself into oblivion.

Back in the day, watching television was safe from being presented with people’s personal problems as all we saw on there were ads for Milk of Magnesia and Doan’s Backache Pills. Now, as far as I can tell, the only ads that run on her shows are for everything from male impotence to diabetes to feminine products which most of us really don't need to see, especially during dinner.

How you ever noticed the length of the disclaimers that come along with all these ads? A typical one for a new drug will read something like this:

“Ask your doctor if Smiley Pills are right for you. Side effects of Hexaprotzylanpricknaprine are uncommon but may include vomiting, heart attacks, explosive diarrhea, vaginal discharge, varicose veins, heart murmurs, gender reassignment, hemorrhoids, sugar highs and lows, vomiting, life threatening rash, depression, allergies, high instep, back pain, front pain, headaches, ED, loss of appetite, increased appetite, liver failure, pancreatic cancer, lung collapse, foaming at the mouth, divorce, bankruptcy, bad decision making, hair growth on your palms, poor hunting success and death.”

Heck, I don't know why people even delay in going right to the doctor and signing up? But we see it every day with more and more drugs on the market and more and more people willing to shell out their hard earned money to “try” them.

And that’s exactly what Big Pharma wants you to do. They spend $4.5 Billion dollars in advertising each year so that you will ask your doctor to prescribe this miracle drug or that one regardless of the consequences.

One time I asked my doctor friend why so many people don't get well and he had to admit it was a “medical practice” and not to be confused with “medical perfection.”

If a drug company tells you that their product does this or that, then you should at least have the expectation that it might work almost like they said it would, right? And, if not, we should return it and get our money back. Too bad Sam Walton didn’t establish a pharmaceutical company, he’d made sure that we customers were satisfied or our money back.

One thing they never seem to advertise is drugs that have a side effect of weight loss. Now there is a side effect I could sign up for and most of America would be at your doorstep even if they didn't have any symptoms except of being fat.

My mother always said, “You can never be too skinny or too rich.” Never having been either one of these I have to agree but not sure I want to endure being sick to find out.