A failure to communicate

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Most of us recall Paul Newman’s iconic movie “Cool Hand Luke.” In that film the warden played by Strother Martin first utters the phrase: “What we've got here is a failure to communicate."

No matter where you have been, lived, worked, slept, eaten, sat, stood or walked, someone somewhere has spoken these words to you when your attention maybe lapsed for a brief instance. These lapses are known in relationships as “being a man” but can also occur in the female of the species on rare occasions.

I was listening to Trixie talk to her dear friend Annie Oakley the other day about Annie's boyfriend. Now neither Annie nor her boyfriend are spring chickens by any stretch of the imagination, both being over 60 --- which is either ancient or young to my readers depending on which side of that mark you find yourself.

Ol' Dutch could follow along with the conversation pretty good until it came to the part about their relationship and how it was doing.

A man faced with asking his buddy about his girlfriend would simply say something along the lines of “How is Mary Beth doing?” To which his buddy would say “Pretty good” or “she ran off with the butcher” and that would end the discussion and they could get back to discussing golf, fishing, hunting or the latest Gold Rush television episode.

But with Trixie and other women I have been around, life is not that simple. You would think a simple “and how are you and Billy Bob getting along?” would suffice but no, that is just not possible with this crowd.

"How is Billy Bob’s spiritual, psychological and physiological health nowadays?” Trixie asked Annie Oakley.

And, with this one question, I began to suddenly understand more about women than I have in my 59 long years. What in the wide wide world of sports did that mean anyway?

I sat there aghast and even though I am not sure what that word means, my mouth was open and I had that far away, can’t believe what I just heard look in my eyes.

And that, my friends, is the problem we have in relationships. Not only is there a failure to communicate, the female of the species has decided to make it almost impossible to do so for us heathen men because they use words not found in common life outside of Graduate School Psych classes.

Plus add that to the fact that even when you agree with a woman you usually end up in trouble. Lord help the man who says “what do you want me to say?” when faced with an unwinnable situation. That question, for the uninitiated, is seen as a smart ass remark.

Recently I was heading out the door for a day away from “the boss,” I mean sweet Trixie, and caught her up in my arms to kiss her in the most romantic fashion. Or something like that.

Trixie pulled away and said “I haven't brushed my teeth yet.” This caught me off guard as a man, I had gone quite a bit out of my way and lowered my manly shields to try and be more than a standard clod in coming back to kiss her face before leaving. Not knowing what else to say I fell back on 31 years of marriage encounters and agreed with her saying, “I know.”

That must have been the wrong choice gentlemen as the kiss disappeared into the sea of forgetfulness and Ol' Dutch had to head out the door dejected.

So if you are in a relationship -- married or not -- realize that you are never going to be talking on the same wavelength as your beloved no matter how many books you buy from Dr. Phil.

Someone gave me a coffee cup the other day that said, “Mr. Right” and I was feeling pretty good about that until Trixie opened hers and it said, “Mrs. Always Right.” And therein is the wisdom of the ages in three simple words.

Too close to the edge

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Most of us have been in the mountains. It might be to fish at some secret lake; or hike to a great mushroom gathering place; or, even, admire the leaves as they change colors in the fall.

No matter how mundane those trips may seem to the unsuspecting traveler, there are times that they take on a certain air of danger.

Now, some believe going into high country is dangerous no matter what. And, sure there is the remote chance that you will be eaten by a bear or captured by Bigfoot to be forever part of his harem. By and large, though, the bears are pretty much scared of humans and even Bigfoot is picky about whom he chooses. So most of us are safe as a pickle at a pregnancy convention....er...well, maybe safer than that but you get my drift.

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If a tree falls in the woods

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You have all heard the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, did it really make any sound.” The basic premise behind this is that without an audience, maybe there is no sound after all.

I am not sure how close you have to be to insure the tree knows you are there so it can produce a sound while hitting the ground. When I lived atop Willow Park, I would watch the trees fall in the big winds of spring.

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Amnesia or Selective Memory?

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We’ve all known friends and relatives who, as they age, can no longer remember things. My grandmother called it Old Age Disease and, of course that was before all the fancy-smanchy names came around like Dementia and Alzheimer’s. No matter what you call it, it takes a terrible toll on the victim and caregiver.

The amnesia I’m talking about, though, is the kind found on soap operas.

In yonder days, my mother and sister would watch Days of Our Lives every day at noon. After a while and after so many years watching it, those people got to be like a member of the family.

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The Abundance of the Heart

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From living many years on this earth, Ol' Dutch has noticed that if you give them the opportunity, people will pretty much tell you what they are going to do or have done.

In order to appreciate this phenomenon, you have to develop what is known as “listening skills.”

This is harder to do than one might think as it involves closing one’s mouth, which as Trixie is quick to point out, seldom occurs around Ol' Dutch. What she fails to realize is that I am trying to improve HER listening skills.

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Making Mistakes

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If you live long enough you finally begin to admit that every once in a while you make a mistake. Even as perfect as Ol' Dutch is, mistakes do occur.

Politicians handle these mistakes by saying they “mis-spoke” and somehow that's okay and not a real whopper.

Personally, I would much rather they say, “Boy, did I ever goof up.” I can forgive that kind of honestly because, let’s face it, we all pull some real boners every so often.

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Buck vs Doe

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Hunting season has rolled around once again and Ol' Dutch is out in the field doing his best to provide meat for the table.

It’s bad enough to have to rise at the ungodly hour of 4 a.m. but to see Trixie lollygagging around like Sleeping Beauty is about more than this old hunter can take.

Chasing these elusive game animals this past week got me to thinking, which is an activity Trixie says is best left to people with experience. Determined and undeterred, though, I went ahead and struck out into unknown territory and began to peruse the differences between a buck and a doe.

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Solitary Confinement

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Every time I pull out my cellphone to use it I stand amazed at the advancements of the past 20 years.

For a while, all that was available were huge old black bag phones. Then flip phones soon came out and we all had our own Star Trek tricorder device and could actually talk to someone when away from that pesky landline.

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