Here's Your Sign

Some of you may be familiar with the Blue Collar Comedian Bill Engvall who has a routine about stupid people. The whole idea behind his idea is that when people ask you a dumb question you can just hand them a sign that says “I'm stupid.” 

No matter where I go people look at my truck tags and ask me “You from Colorado?” I want to say “Nope, I just like the color of their tags.” Here's your sign. 

On my travels I have crisscrossed the United States and found a variety of interesting signs along the way. Most are informative but there are those that make you wonder just what people are thinking. 

On my way to the Gulf Coast the last month I stopped to get gas and as I pumped the beast full of octane a live television screen suddenly popped up on the pumps and I was subjected to a running sales pitch on great deals to be found inside the store. Usually I am bored standing there waiting on the tally to increase algebraically and so will watch the grass grow if it alleviates the boredom so I found that’s how I know that inside a QuickTrip station, Cheetos are $1.59 and you can get a Diet Coke for the low-low price of $1.79. 

In Florida I was lucky enough to find a sign painted on the side of a tourist bus long ago relegated to a weed pile alongside the rode. I just had to stop and get a picture as it said, “Beach on Vacation, Leave on Probation.” Great advertising for a Bail Bond business with spring break just around the corner I am sure they will get plenty of unlucky customers. 

Returning from vacation one year my family and I were to stop in Holly, Colorado and meet up with some of the kin folk. The only place in town was a beanery called “Porkies” and sitting at the table we were greeted by the owner and waitress of immense proportions. Ol' Dutch lost his appetite then and there. Now that’s truth in advertising. 

Another note-worthy sign I saw said, “Donate your used cars to the blind.” Nothing could have prepared me for that and I had to wonder what kind of fools would let blind people drive? My travels ever since have been full of fear and trepidation and every time I see someone with dark glasses on behind the wheel of a car I swerve to the shoulder on my side of the road.

Trixie says they take in old cars and sell them then use the money to assist blind people but the Bible says “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” This tells me that the sign means what it says.

 Of course there are lots of churches that have funny signs posted and my favorite is the one that said, “All women wanting to be in the New Little Mothers please see the pastor in the basement after church.” Now Ol' Dutch is pretty easygoing most of the time but that doctrinal snaffoo is a tad much even for this old mountain man.

In Las Vegas I was subjected to my first moving billboard on the side of a van and it was for “Escorts.” Now I have driven a few Escorts in my day and think Ford had a good little ride there in that car but Ol' Dutch doesn’t think he could survive a test drive of the models displayed there.

I darn near had a wreck as I craned my neck to see just where this dealership was located as you never know when the old model will wear out.