Mosquito Season Bites

Warm spring days, newly blossomed flowers and tornado outbreaks kept me company as I drove north back to the mountains.

Along the way, I decided to get an early start on my summer garden. It felt good to be outside with my hands in some dirt after a long winter but I soon learned that I was not alone in that feeling.

Tiny insects of every shape, size and description had also viewed the sunshine as a clue of warmer days ahead and were exiting their lairs from deep within the earth.

Not to be outdone, the most feared of all, the lowly mosquito, came out and began to seek any and all who would donate unwillingly to its cause. And, I was their prime target. Each evening more whelps appeared across my body.

After a few days of itching frantically, Trixie suggested an aspirin. Try as I may I could not get that doggone mosquito to take that aspirin. It was harder than getting a kid to take their medicine.

Then I learned that the aspirin was to be dissolved to a paste and applied to the bite mark. That seems to make a lot more sense in hindsight.

All of my life I have been plagued with an unusual attraction to these biters.

One time I was out in a marsh duck hunting before daylight. A cold snap had frozen the marsh into a nice thin coat of ice that should have eliminated any buggy pests. The sun came up bright and clear and with it a horde of mosquitoes second only in number to the hordes of Genghis Khan and twice as hungry rose out of the surrounding cattails.

They began to bite me and by the time I got to the car my face and hands were beginning to swell. Arriving home my face puffed up and eyes completely shut, to be greeted by my high school girlfriend who was there to give me sympathy.  It is considered sympathy when they lie on the floor rolling around and laughing hysterically at your appearance, right?

Scientists tell us that the lowly mosquito is drawn to any warm blooded animal by the carbon dioxide that is exhaled with each breath. That may explain my unusual attraction to these nasty stingers as I have been told I am full of hot air so I probably exhale more than others around me.

Reading this over my shoulder Trixie seemed to agree with that last statement but she isn't a scientist so what does she know.

Turning to the high-tech industry, I found an electronic contraption that promised to chase the little buggers away. I quickly ordered one and soon was on my way to scientific nirvana, almost.

This device sends out a very high pitch sound and it confuses the mosquito so that it doesn’t want to bite you. It sounded too good to be true but it worked perfectly. I wore it proudly everywhere I went outdoors during the malarial bird flu pecker season and was happily bite free for the first time in my life.

However, I soon began to get complaints about a buzzing sound anytime I was around. Being hard of hearing was a blessing as I went blindly along my way, bite free and buzzing unknowingly.

Friends seemed most polite about it but family soon complained enough I had to turn it off. Try as I might to pawn it off on some government microwave conspiracy they finally convinced me to get rid of it.

Having ample time this winter, Ol' Dutch came up with an idea that may help mankind after all. If by simply wearing such a device to rid ourselves of a simple pest like the mosquito, just think what a similar device would do for humans if tuned to the right frequency.

Wives and girlfriends could get one and live in perfect peace without being bothered by us typical males. Schools would be full of straight A students as their focus would be on their studies instead of chasing the opposite sex all the time. Vast fortunes would be saved by families not buying Prom dresses or going into debt over elaborate wedding plans.

I am already working on variable frequencies that would allow a symphonic affect when large groups of people are present with these devices. That way a veritable plethora of tunes might be played when large groups gather wearing these devices. Churches could enjoy beautiful hymns, ensembles would be on every street corner and normally tone deaf individuals would suddenly be thrust into the world of musical pleasure.

Stay tuned for these to be made available on QVC as soon as Dutch can get a gig on the Shark Tank.