Too Fat to Fly

Two years ago when Trixie and I were in the beginning throes of our harmonious adventure, we took an ATV ride up to a high mountain meadow.

On this particular trip we were alone and for once Ol' Dutch could sneak a kiss out of sight of her ever-present-mother who thought her 47-year-old daughter still too young to date.

Driving into the meadow we saw an eagle on the ground and were able to drive within 5 feet of it. Now Trixie is the sort that rescues poor animals in distress and some people would say that's how she ended up with Ol' Dutch. But that’s a story for another day.

Back to the poor eagle, we rushed down the mountain and she called the raptor rescue people to come save the whale, or eagle as it were. She was informed that the eagle had most likely eaten too much and was “too fat to fly” and would eventually be able to get along on his or her own way.

 I was reminded of this when recently I did a stint in Kansas seeing my son Bubs and his wife Tinkerbell and had to attend the dreaded “dance recital.”

Tinkerbell is a dance instructor of some renown and so already my life is revolving around long, slow, wasted afternoons watching my perfect granddaughter and others spin, tuck and roll as they dance their way through life.

This instruction prepares them for many things in life such as avoiding the baby puke on the floor, sidestepping their domestic partners stacks of hunting magazines and dodging grocery carts in the aisles.

On this Sunday afternoon, we arrived at said event and were presented with a program of the activities we were to be subjected to. Ol Dutch did a quick count of the dance routines to be presented and realized that he came to a 28 dance recital and is only equipped with a 10 dance butt.

 Luckily Trixie saw through this and presented me with some licorice to while away the time between my granddaughter’s numbers and Ol' Dutch settled in for a long afternoon in uncomfortable clothes.

 Now Ol' Dutch never did pretend to be a trained critic of dance or anything else for that matter, but what followed was a display such as he has never seen before, even at the county fair when Jill McSweeny fell face first in the cow pie during the blue ribbon awarding ceremony.

With the younger kids, we make exceptions, of course, because after all they are still learning. But from the looks of the older kids who danced, they have not advanced much past the initial lesson which involves tying one's shoes.

One thing I have noticed through the years is that dancers in general are a thin lot. I am not sure if the level of activity leads to leanness or if skinny people are just better dancers but it does hold true in the world of Ol’ dutch.

 As I watched the parade of older girls perform, though, it became clear that some of them were just Too Fat To Fly. Ol' Dutch is somewhat of an expert on living in that state himself, so it's no slam on them for being of the larger build.

Some years ago Ol' Dutch took even took flying lessons and learned quick that you have to check your weights and balances before every flight to make sure the engines can carry the weight of the plane and luggage to leave the ground successfully.

 The same goes for people. Sometimes our engines just cannot carry us where we need to go with the load we are currently carrying.

 I recall my ex telling me one time I was too fat. And, not to be out done, Ol' Dutch was able to point out that fat can be fixed but there is no cure for ugly to which she took great offense.

 Well, as Trixie can tell you, Ol’ Dutch spends too much time with my foot in my mouth. I guess I’ll never figure women out, but, there is one thing for sure, I’m just a few pounds short of a flying takeoff. Or, is that just a few cards short of a full deck?