My entire married life was spent without a new truck. Once divorce came my way, though, three new trucks arrived over the course of five years.
Now while that may sound like I am wealthy beyond means, if you know me you will find out that just like a lot of people, it’s all about payments. This is a lesson the gold-digging women I met before Trixie found out about me early on. Many of the women seemed to mistakenly believe that a man like me who was retired at 52 had to be rich and the answer to all their problems, their kids braces, a college education -- or at least trade school tuition -- for Johnny and beauty school for Amanda.
The first new truck came about quite by accident as I never thought to buy one until my daughter suggested I see a counselor about my pending divorce. It didn't take me long to realize that the same money I was spending to talk about painful things with a complete stranger would buy a new truck and, I was sure, make me happier than processing my divorce.
The counselor did call me about a month later and said he was concerned about me. I told him it came down to a financial choice between him and a new truck and if he wanted to stop by, he could see my new blue decision in the driveway.
Travels some time later took me to Hot Springs Arkansas to see a friend and with GM promising cash incentives, free hot dogs and cold drinks, I decided a free lunch was in order. While munching on a second dog, I saw a gorgeous red truck and some two hours later was able to trade for the cost of a new set of tires.
So last month, GM again sent me tempting offers of cash back and rebates and notified me that it was Truck Month. I had to visit a local dealer for some warranty work and perusing the showroom I soon began the lengthy process of trying to trade trucks, AGAIN.
For those of you who have tried to purchase a car lately, you know the confusing manner in which some dealers approach the sale. At this dealership, they began with a informational person who showed me the truck on the lot.
Once there I was then handed off to a nice gal with an iPad to check inventory. Next step was the Talker. His only job was to hang with me all day and night if needed and talk to me about any and every thing. That gave them time to get the assistant sales manager over to the couch to try and make a deal.
I was more confused than an ATF agent at a Colorado Marijuana Growers convention. By the end of the day, I truly expected a clown to pop out of the table at some point with a vase full of flowers.
What ensued was mass confusion. The list of rebates, dealer invoice, supplier pricing, GM points, taxes, delivery, dealer prep, title fees, trade in, loan value and other incentives were all mixed together like Aunt Martha's corn casserole.
We wrestled around and around and the numbers mixed and switched and added and subtracted, divided and multiplied like rabbits in heat and reminded me of the new Common Core teaching methods.
They talked in circles about things like the NADA. I amazed them with my vast acronym wisdom, too, like the NAIA, the NEA and with regards to the NCAA I already had my March Madness brackets picked out so don't try and slip something fishy by Ol’ Dutch.
Finally arriving at a number that we were “close” on, I told them I had to sleep on it. Saying this is the big NO-NO to any car dealer. They know that if they have a qualified buyer on the lot, to let them return home often is the kiss of death. Mainly because “the wife” will talk them out of it with sweet kind words such as “are you crazy as a pet coon? Miranda needs braces if she is ever to be on The Idol or be Miss America.”
So it took real resolve on my part and about two hours to extract myself from the building and return home. Not to be outdone, Trixie began her lobbying for me to look at other options albeit without calling me a pet coon.
By the time we got back to the GM dealer, the truck I wanted had been sold. Which shows you one thing: women are the leading cause of the economic collapse in this country. Without their influence, us men would buy boats and trucks, ATV's and other toys in mass quantities thereby alleviating the economic problems.
It would also solve that pressing question each month on how we were going to pay the utilities and buy groceries but with a good truck and boat, a man can provide all the food a family can want or need.