There are vast differences in how women and men do their laundry. You might be surprised at the revelations I am about to uncover and how that will impact mankind and our survival in the future.
Cooper took over one of Trixie's high priced, California-dreaming pillows and used it for a bed long enough for it to start smelling like, well, a dog. A simple solution was to put it in the washer and so I began a search for the detergent.
The detergent, though, was nowhere to be found. Before Trixie left on her adventure to far flung places, she apparently decided to hide all the things she knew I would need.
This is what women do, you know, in order to maintain our dependence on them thereby securing a place in our hearts. This same hiding of products could explain my sudden cravings for rawhide treats of late after Trixie hid my shampoo and I was forced to use Cooper's.
So for the pillow, I mixed up some Pine Sol and bleach and to make sure I didn't blow something up, I posted my intentions on Facebook.
From my women friends’ comments I soon learned that mixing chemicals can be bad. I think this is what Iran is doing or something like that.
My thinking was that since Pine is part of the name and pine is good, and pine trees smell wonderful it has to be great stuff. And Sol is another name for the Sun which is refreshing, bright and clean.
As for adding Bleach, we know that stuff cleans anything short of nuclear waste so has to be good for dog smell. It did fizz up when I mixed them and guys in white HAZMAT suits responded but I took that as a sign of deep cleaning action.
When I became a bachelor four years ago, little did I know there was a method to doing laundry. Down through the past few years I shockingly learned that you are not supposed to do all your clothes in the same load. To me it’s like mixing food on your plate, it’s all going to the same place anyway so why does it matter? Plus, you can't mess up Camo anyway.
Being around Trixie I have noticed that she washes clothes she has worn --- dirty or not. That goes totally against the man's methods. We employ the “sniff test” where you simply pull a shirt out of the dirty clothes and give it a sniff to see if you can get one more day out of it.
Alas, the advent of graphics on the front of shirts has singlehandedly destroyed the option of wearing a slightly used shirt inside out for an extra day's use. This is a sign of a conspiracy by the detergent and washing machine makers against society which leads to more loads of laundry, more water use and eventually Global Warming.
The people at Febreze, though, are here to save us men. They have been instrumental in leading the way to less washing by making available a spray-on odor removing product for all applications. We owe them a debt of gratitude for saving the planet.
Another element of laundry that is new to me is the way your clothes multiply in a public laundry. I don't know if they are breeding in the machines or what but I always come up with extra clothes in my load. Nothing like finding a brassiere in your wash especially when it’s not in your own size and I certainly recommend you remove it before you get home if not in your girlfriend’s size, too.
As for folding clothes, bachelorhood has shown me the waste of time folding boxer shorts is. They wear just fine right out of the drawer unfolded. And if you have ever tried to fold a thong, well you know it’s not the footwear from the 70's and brings back memories of trying to put a slingshot in your hip pocket.
Don't even get me started on sorting socks. When the kids were growing up I got the job of sorting socks. I could not tell them apart honestly and did such a poor job I never had to do it again.
I quickly solved this problem when I started living alone and my dresser only has two kinds of sock in it: blue and white. They are all the same brand, kind, type and weave. Any other color can be quickly discarded as NOT MINE and thereby eliminate the risk of getting cooties.
The conspiracy to do more laundry is deeper than anyone knows and women have been brought into absolute slavery by the clothing manufacturers with the different types of apparel all requiring different washing methods. But, there is hope. Television shows like Duck Commander and Swamp People are leading the way in the fight against pollution and waste by bringing about an increase in the wearing of camouflage clothing across the USA.
This can only lead to increased productivity at home with less washing needed and increased jobs in the Febreze factory. Long live Camo!