Get your free stuff here

There is nothing in this world more desirable and alluring than the offer for something free.

Now for those of you who don't know what alluring means the dictionary describes it as an adjective that has two definition: 1) very attractive or enticing or 2) fascinating and charming.

The first is maybe not so well-known a quantity but to those of you who have met Dutch you certainly know what the second definition means?  Of course, Trixie says I’m charming like a king cobra, but that’s a story for another time.

My ninth grade English teacher would just be happy I actually know what an adjective is or at least can spell it correctly.

No matter where you go, there is the offer for free things dangling out in front of you trying to tempt you to stop for a second or two and be-goggle someone's offerings.

From car dealers who send free chances at winning a car, to free nights at motels, to free points on some discount card, we are inundated with offers to get something for nothing. But nowhere does that idea have more use than on the Internet.

The old adage “if something appears to be too good to be true it probably is” always holds true yet the offer for “free” anything makes normally cautious and smart people lose all track of time and space.

Ol' Dutch actually fell for one himself the other day.

I was just minding my own business browsing online for “Jungle-grade mosquito netting” for my next Amazon adventure when I saw an offer for free samples. The picture with the advertisement showed a sexy little gal with a huge array of free tools and drill bits sure to illicit the automatic reflexes of any red-blooded American man.

I just knew that all those manufacturers out there were just waiting to send me free stuff especially in light of my winning smile and stunning personality.

This little gal went on to state that I had been “chosen” and so I knew that they had somehow stumbled upon my blog and needed my endorsement in order to sell more “stuff” to other people out there.

As I filled in the forms I could not understand how knowing my height and weight or Trixie's preference on olive oil had much to do with me getting some free drill bits, but I pressed on anyway.

Having been around this block a few times in the past Ol' Dutch did come prepared with an email account created for semi-shady sounding requests and after giving them my shoe size, address of 10 of my closest enemies and repeating the Lord’s Prayer three times, I finally got to the free stuff.

These ranged from an offer for “free” information on gout to investment strategies for the baby boomers. Even though I don't have gout or need some shady character managing my money, they were tempting just on the merits of being free.

The farther I perused the pages I never did find where I could get toilet paper samples, coupons for free yogurt or any tools. I began to think that maybe I had been conned.

Quickly checking my “other” email account, I could see that they had already sold my account information to Phil in India and he was passing that around like the collection plate at the local house of worship.

His buddy Nigel in Nigeria is now assuring me that I have inherited vast sums of money from a long lost Ethiopian King and a lady named Silvia was offering to tell my fortune if only I would answer her inquiry.

Having already inherited too many African fortunes for my own good and knowing my fortune already since I have Trixie to remind me that “she” is my good fortune to have around, I decided to decline their offers. Besides, who needs all that money and the problems with the IRS come tax day. A man can only handle so much “free” stuff after all.